Seven months. To be more precise 220 days as of this writing. Tonight is one of those nights where I sit and wonder what the hell happened! I seriously loved pretty much everything about my old life and it seemed to be getting better and better all the time. I was the happiest and most personally optimistic person I know. Then inexplicably my baby girl disappears in an instance on what was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives. Now I know worst case scenarios can and do happen. True love does not always triumph, at least not in this life, and God only knows about the next. Life is suffering and heartbreak.
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| A couple of rediscovered (new to me) photos that one of Shar's best friends sent me... LOVE stuff like that |
Of course that is only half the story. For 12 years life was love, joy, adventure and smiles 98% of the time...even some of our best fights are better than the majority of my current life. I now have JJ who fills my life with love...and stress. Speaking of JJ, I SUCK at the single parent thing even with tremendous Decker and Buhanan support. How do people do it!? I have a job that where I can make a difference and find fulfillment most of the time. But alas, none of that takes the sting from missing Shar. Am I doing it wrong!? Were Shar and I too unhealthily enmeshed?? We kind of knew that at the time but it really seemed to work and we both had one job. To freaking stay alive. Now I find it hard to go on living without her.
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| A wonderful gift that arrived two days commissioned by my brother and sister in law |
Ways I hope to find meaning or at least pleasure this year
- Be the best and most compassionate counselor I can be
- Love JJ and cherish his milestones
- Hike and enjoy the outdoors with JJ
- Read LOTS
- Meditate, pray, contemplation...daily
- Try to connect with the Divine and my angel on a real soul level
- Shar’s scholarship
- Write a book
If you my dear readers and friends have other suggestions please comment, text or message me.
Also I am looking for some feedback. One of the big goals I have for this year as mentioned above is to write and have published a children's book. My preliminary idea is to write about a boy and his angel mama. But I really am having a difficult time deciding between keeping it specific and more autobiographical sharing real things from Shar and me. I think the pros of this route are that my passion and our love will come across in greater detail. I can even include a CD with some of Shar's songs! OR keeping it more general about angel mama’s with less BD3 details, the obvious positives of this route being it is a bit more appealing to a wider audience. Anonymous poll below, please let me know what you think (o:
Also if you have not had the opportunity to hear the podcast Strangers I encourage you give them a lesson especially the most recent episode featuring our love story and tragedy. I have embedded it below for your convenience but you can find it on itunes or wherever you find podcasts.
Love and peace to you all. Please cherish and savor your loved ones even through those tough moments and days. (o:
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| Playing in the snow with grandma |
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| JJ taking a ride in his cousin's sweet car! |
Your story is so unique and special that it could be a children/adult book with beautiful illustrations. There are a lot of general children books out there about loss, but you have a once in a lifetime story to tell. I love your comment about you and Sherry being too emesshed in your relationship. That describes your story perfectly. But you have been given a gift very, VERY few people will ever experience in that you found your absolute soul mate. You crammed more love and live into your few years together than most people will ever experience in a lifetime. I lost my sweetheart 7 years ago. I think I miss him more now than I did right after he died. I still cry when I hear certain songs, places, thoughts. But I can smile through tears now thinking about these tender memories. The only thing that gets me through long days is my belief in eternity. I know and have been told, that he watches over me and my family in heaven, in ways he could not have done here. Your Sharry is doing the same thing. I know that God's plan and timing are perfect. I don't like it, but I know everyone is where they are supposed to be. You have a gift of being able to describe your raw, real thoughts in a way that touches hearts and can change and inspire others. Your book will do the same.
ReplyDeleteThank you so so much for your comment Jacque. I believe you are right that I found my absolute soul mate, for which I am forever grateful, but that makes it so freaking hard to be without her! As far as the book goes right now my poll is like almost exactly 50/50 haha so I am going to play with both angles.
DeleteI am so sorry you had to go through such loss as well! Life is not fair and can be so heartbreaking!
I met a girl this week who, to me, looked like Shar. It made me wonder how things are going for you, so I'm glad you posted. I think you hit it on the head saying things in this life aren't supposed to be easy. I guess that is the point--to learn and stretch and grow. Most people don't have wonderful lives. Though I feel incredibly blessed, I hate that there is so much suffering. I pray that you are finding glimpses of joy amidst the abundant pain. I'm sure you're doing better at being a dad than most parents together. Parenting is hard, period. I agree with the previous comment about writing your own experience for the children's book. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThank you Tanaya for your words and continual friendship. I know you are helping the world with it's suffering and raising compassionate good little people. (o:
DeleteThank you so much for continuing to share your grief journey and about what an incredible life Sharry lived. I continually come back to your blog for inspiration in the way Sharry lived her life. The love you shared is also so inspiring and something very few, I believe, get to experience. What a life she lived! I want to live more like Shar!
ReplyDeleteThank you ShaLyse and yes I agree #livelikeShar (o:
DeleteDear Jared,
ReplyDeleteI heard you on 'Strangers' this evening in my Tokyo apartment and wanted to send you and JJ so much love.
Your book will be so special. I have no doubt your incredible network will help you with everything, but if you get stuck in any way, I've published a few books and if you ever need anything please don't hesitate if there's something I could do.
So much love and all of my thoughts.
Ebony
Thank you Ebony. I hope so and what's the best way to reach you if I have future bookish questions? ☺
DeleteWe can be friends on Facebook if we're not already.
Hello Jared. I hope you managed to get some good rest last night.
DeleteMy email is over here on my site www.hellosandwich.jp or hellosandwichblog (at) gmail (dot) com
Please let me know if there is anything at all I can help with.
Ebony
Hi Jared,
ReplyDeleteI just finished listening to the Strangers podcast, here in my cubicle at work, and it touched me to the core. You were so brave to share your story with us, and I've never heard someone's voice so full of love as yours when you talk about your wife and little boy. I'm a solo parent as well, so this blog entry really struck me. Even with support, it's an incredibly challenging job to raise children. But looking ahead even a few months and years, once your little guy is walking and talking, a whole new and special connection takes place and you can look forward to all kinds of adventures and conversations and discoveries together. The first two years are so labor intensive (and also wonderfully cute), without much reciprocity. But then the day comes when your child will be able to shower you with love and engage you on new levels...and that is really worth the wait. I'll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts!
My mother died in August of last year, and I have a ten year old brother who was the one who discovered her in a state of distress. He's thinking about writing about her. If he or I could be of any help, please let me know.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
You talked about feeling worried JJ would feel guilty for the circumstances of Sharry's death, would you incorporate how you have viewed this in the story? A message about how to come to terms with this? (Not that there is a clear cut answer). I think there is a way to have specifics from your love story while still making it applicable to other children that have lost their parents. It's a beautiful idea.
ReplyDeleteHi Jared, I'm writing this through tears... Your love for your wife and son is beautiful, I'm so sorry for your loss. Whatever you decide with the book, I'm a professional editor and would be happy to help with whatever you need (free of charge of course). You can contact me at sarah dot megginson at gmail dot com if you're interested. Thinking of you x
ReplyDeleteIf it's any consolation to you or if it can at least bring a smile to your face.... my poor husband is still just as lost as ever when it comes to raising not one but two little 9 month old girls even with me by his side. Parenting is not easy and to do it without your kindred spirit takes the utmost courage. I know I couldn't do it. Cut yourself some well deserved slack. "Genius is the capacity for seeing relationships where lesser men see none" You lost the greatest relationship a man and woman can ever be blessed with but gained an even greater one with the better parts of both you and Shar. Life is a complex web of relationships on many levels. If we can master the art of building interesting and rewarding relationships, we’d have more fun and live richer lives. Whether with your life partner or your child. I have struggled with the fact that our girls were conceived thru IVF and have never made mention of it to anyone outside of our parents. Thank you and Shar for being so brave and sharing your journey to conceive... specifically Shar... I'm sure she struggled as I did with the whole process. I am hesitant even now to post this message but I think I'm ready to talk about it and #livelikeshar I apologize for my long rant. Blessings to you and yours....
ReplyDeleteHello Jared, I listened to your story on Strangers here in Portland, Oregon. My husband heard it first and sent it to me. We were both deeply touched by your story. I don't know you or Sharry but I wanted to share that I told my husband that if I was to die prematurely, I would want him to marry again so as not to be alone and I would want him to be happy and doing all the things that bring joy and happiness. I like the idea you mentioned of having future children as well. Maybe a sibling for JJ (maybe a sweet little girl?) would be very nice. I wish you strength Jared, be strong for JJ and your future kids. I wish you happiness and comfort too. Some couples spend their entire lives together and never come close to experiencing as much love as you and Sharry seem to have. If nothing else, take comfort in this. We would love to be here for you as far away friends. If you are interested, you can email me @ Joanie0@comcast.net
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