Jealous of John Lennon (grief @ 6 months)

Grief at six months.

Sad and tired much of the time.

Grief comes in waves and all forecasts predict I need to brace for a big one.

Not at all looking forward to the two weeks off for the holidays. It means time away from my fulfilling and distracting job with students and people I love. It means facing head on Christmas, our 10th wedding anniversary, my 34th birthday and New Year’s without Shar.

Grief can physically hurt.

I have been prone to ear infections my entire life, specifically in my right ear. I recently had an extremely rough one and when I did some self analysis to figure out what may have caused it, I had to laugh at the ridiculousness, sadness and stupidity of it all. Often grief knocks most poignantly at night right before bed. Until recently I would sometimes lay in bed, reading, writing and/or praying/lamenting to God and Shar with tears running down my face and pooling in my ears.
Lesson learned. Do not let grief and gravity team up.

Grief can scare you with a smile in your dreams.

The other night I dreamt JJ died of SIDS. I was crushed, defeated, life (or death) had won. I found a tall cliff made of red rocks and jumped off. As I fell through the air I had a giant smile on my face because I just knew Shar, JJ and I (the BD3) were going to be together again. I woke up with a large grin that immediately collapsed into a fearful sadness with the thought of losing JJ in anyway.

Grief can strike from unexpected places.

I recently was visiting the cemetery at night as I am prone to do (I like going at night because I get it all to myself), talking to Shar about random musings about the “spirit world” when I asked her if she had met some of her favorite dead people. For whatever reason I was specifically curious about John Lennon. Sharry and I used to weirdly joke that she was John Lennon reincarnated and I was Janis Joplin. So I was asking Shar if she had had the opportunity to hang out with a real life Beatle (or two) and I was imagining this happening, Sharry hanging out with John Lennon playing heavenly music together. At first I was comforted by this idea. But then I became intensely and emotionally jealous. Not that Sharry got to meet Mr Lennon, but rather that he got to hang out with her. I became angry with tears running down my face thinking bitterly to myself (but not believing) that “George is better anyway”.

Visiting the Johns Lennon memorial in Central Park 3 years ago

Grief at six months is less numbing and less constant yet like a new friend it is something I've grown accustomed to. Some of the by-products of my new companion include being less happy go lucky, joyful, optimistic and carefree; yet more contemplative, prayerful and compassionate. It's not all bad, just mostly. I still ache daily for Shar...and maybe that will never change.

Thank God (sincerely) for family and compassionate people. If you are somebody that has reached out with kind words or generous actions. Thank you. My family and I’m sure Sharry thank you. I am very fortunate to have JJ, the Deckers and Buhanans. They will help me survive the holidays even though I don’t feel like I quite “fit in” this life anymore. I imagine next year will be a bit easier as JJ will somewhat be able to appreciate santa, presents, tinsel and lights.

Cold walk and Christmas lights