BE HERE NOW

I am officially putting roots back down in St. George, Utah. JJ and I are back in the room I grew up in as a teenager and I have worked a full three days at Dixie High School. To begin with I of course do not love this situation. I miss completely everything about my old life in Salt Lake. Dream spouse, house and job..all gone and my heart and soul ache completely for them.

Recently as I was unpacking some of our boxes I found a bracelet that I thought was mine as I have one very similar that was given to me by a loving family member. However when I slipped it on I realized it was totally not mine but must have been Sharry’s except I do not remember her ever having this piece of jewelry. As you can see in the picture though this is yet another message from my beloved angel, “BE HERE NOW”. This is an eastern idea that Shar and I have always cherished and something that I am struggling with more now than ever. I think of the past and every single memory includes Sharry. My mind drifts to the future and every hope and plan was built with Sharry and now is just a sad reminder of how my future has been robbed. BE HERE NOW.

NOW I have a beautiful baby boy who is literally a piece of Sharry who keeps me up at night, cries, screams, smiles, giggles and grows. He is my anchor to the present and my future

NOW I have a new exciting job with beautiful coworkers and amazing high schoolers where I can jump in with unrestrained love for a whole new community

NOW I have the love and kindness of friends, families and strangers

NOW I am incredibly fortunate to have loving family babysitters to watch JJ while I work

NOW I am incredibly vulnerable and seeking out the love and comfort of a Heavenly Father and/or Mother who may or may not exist

NOW I look for the presence of Sharry everywhere and sometimes think I feel her
NOW I am not alone, many suffer through heartbreak and loss (Patton Oswalt, for one, shares his grief)

NOW at work I think to text Sharry throughout the day as I always have and well up with tears

NOW on the way home I’m excited to go see her and tell her all about my day I break down completely in the car because that won’t happen ever again

NOW is a scary hell

NOW is all I have