Loss and keychains

Today I gave up my two final keys. On my keychain I used to have four keys in addition to a usb flash drive, and “Feel the Bern” and Alex & Ani lotus keychains. Now I’m down to one. Our two car keys are gone exchanged for something newer and today I turned over my office key at Midvale Middle School and the keys to our house. The whole process is incredibly difficult. I hate change even during the best of times and forced change during miserable times? Bleh.

Packing up the house was only possible thanks to my family. I literally couldn’t do it without them. I broke down like 6 different times and just had to sit, cry and pray to myself for comfort about leaving OUR house and closing a wonderful chapter in my life. I just wanted to hold Sharry and have her tell me “it’s going to be ok baby”. The move down today, though miserable, went as smooth as one might hope. Lola (our cat) meowed the entire time in her little cat carrier and lost what seemed like all of her fur by stress shedding. JJ travels pretty well but I imagine even the best babies have their upset moments on the road, luckily my mom was riding with me...well with JJ in the backseat. She also read aloud a widow book “I’m grieving as fast as I can” which I’m actually finding pretty helpful that informed us that I am in a high risk group for loss of life. Young widowers are of the highest risk for an early death compared to all other widowed demographics. Need to try to exercise, drink and sleep more...probably won’t for a while though. I can’t even get up the energy to run around Hyrule how am I supposed to manage a run around scorching St George?

Boxed life in a hot garage

Moving home to my parents’ basement I know is a somewhat standard practice these days but not something I was planning on anytime soon and definitely not the place I ever thought the first year of our baby’s life would be spent. I miss HOME…”is wherever I’m with you.” Love that song another one that we would sing together (as always when I say we “sang”, Shar sang beautifully and I croaked along). I wonder how long if ever I feel truly at home somewhere again.

Love this cover version, we had hopes for Shar and JJ to have a similar musical chemistry

Here’s another sad thought. I am no longer a “most important person” to anyone. And yes of course you might say I am that for JJ, but that is more of necessity than choice. I also realize that not everyone has this blessing in their life. But for over a decade I was the most important person to an Earthbound angel and it was amazing. In many ways we were not only each other’s most important but each other’s only person. To be very clear here...OF COURSE we had other people we loved and cared about but for all intents and purposes all I ever needed was Sharry Buhanan-Decker. God I miss her. When will it get easier? Do I want it to get easier? I really don’t know.