PREGNANCY BOOKENDS

it’s sorta uncomfortable to talk about, and honestly even a little weird to think about. and even though jared speaks about it freely, as he does with most topics, for some reason i feel my arms tighten and my shoulders tense when the words “infertility” or “ivf” are mentioned. partly because i don’t like to admit to myself that there was/is an issue, and partly because I don’t want to diminish how fortunate we’ve been.

because thankfully  for us, our story has ended, and in many ways just begun, as a success story.

after a few years of traditional methods, we met with my doctor. she asked if we wanted to work with a fertility clinic, or if we wanted to “take it easy, go slow, see how things go.” we chose to keep it casual. we hadn’t been in any hurry, after ten years together we loved being just the two of us, and we were happy to possibly avoid the cost and stress of going through a specialist. honestly, we were hoping the problem would fix itself or, even better, that there wasn’t really a problem at all.

so, we checked out books, websites, apps. we watched the calendar, stared blankly at cervical mucus, and urinated on little white plastic sticks. sometimes it was actually fun and exciting and i looked forward to rushing to the drug store once a month, grabbing an early pregnancy test and imagining scenarios in which i would surprise jared with the news. more months passed. wanting to avoid whatever shots and hormones, and whatever expensive procedures might be ahead, we met with my ob/gyn again. again, she said we were welcome to visit a fertility specialist, but she would be willing to take us through the first procedures. so, we began working more actively with her, taking some daily hormones and submitting samples. after a few more months went by, she encouraged us to set up an appointment for artificial insemination- a not so romantic medical procedure silimar to traditional reproduction, only done with plastic gloves, tiny catheters, and rinsed sperm. so much for intimacy or tenderness... it got uncomfortable. and then, unfortunately, we set up appointments for the next month and the next. we were officially beat.

we contacted a highly recommended specialist and made an appointment. from the first few diagnostic test, and a discussion of our medical history, without much surprise the doctor recommended ivf.

we checked out new books, read new websites, downloaded new apps. I visited the acupuncturist, consulted the runes, and hiked to the mountaintop. jared started sticking me with needles, we went in for dozens of ultrasounds, and we collected eggs with the zeal of a toddler on easter. then we waited for the 5 day embryo transfer and were shocked to still have 7 healthy high quality blastocysts- one of which we will be meeting sometime in the next few weeks.

i still have a hard time believing that i'm actually pregnant. that i'm actually going to go home with a baby sometime in the near future, and that this baby will be made up of the genes and cells and heart- of us.

from the beginning to the end of this pregnancy, we have been so excited and nervous and grateful. this baby is going to change our lives forever...we're terrified and we can't wait.